i can haz direkshunz???

man, it's been awhile... stuff has been happening, and yet, i find myself back in that same old spot - that same "what am i doing here?!" spot.

i am once again STUCK in my life. i have no stinking idea about what i want to do with my life, and i have no clue as to what direction i need to take. i feel like, once again, i'm stuck at yet another crossroad with no signs pointing me in the right direction.

i see people around me working toward their goals, i see people around me getting married, and i see people around me forming their own lives. and yet, here i stand, in the same spot that i've been in for the last year. as soon as i start to get excited about something and work toward a goal, i get yanked out of it and placed back in this intersection of indecision.

listen, i know God has a plan - i really do. i completely trust it, as well. the point is, i'm incredibly frustated with playing the waiting game. what do i really want? A loud voice from Heaven to say, "hey! this is where you need to go! this is what you need to do! now get on it!!" am i going to hear that? not likely. am i going to wait to hear it? you better believe it.

i guess i'm just letting out some frustrations... venting, if i may. at the moment, i'm helping out with the church and i'm also the drum line instructor for apple valley high school. i'm really happy with the drum line gig, and i really don't have a problem with cleaning up and helping out with the church. but really, how can i expect to ever get on with my own life while working jobs like this? i need something that can not only support myself, but an entire family. that's really what i want in life - a family to call my own. i want to get married, live life, have kids, get a dog... all the cheesy stuff that you hear women whining about. i know it may not be the "guy thing", but that's honestly what i want.

i've done just about everything i can do... i've applied everywhere i could, i've made calls, i've prayed... but nothing is happening. i wish i knew what God's plan was. i wish i knew His plan for my life and what He wants me to do. i know He's got something big in store for me... maybe that's why i'm going through this. i don't know. i'm just hoping i can figure it out soon. i'm sick of getting jerked around with different jobs, and i'm sick of being direction-less. i want my own life. i want a family. i want to hear my calling, answer it, and do my best to glorify God in it.

that's what i want.

later.
matt